I too want to meet someone :))

I want to meet someone.

Those five words lingered in my head, even as I tried to ignore that they were there. I distracted myself with thoughts of other things and by making to-do lists in my head. I pretended this desire wasn’t bubbling beneath me — but as I sat, overlooking the Hudson with Lucy fast-asleep in puppy dreamland in Riverside Park on Sunday — I couldn’t stop the message my heart sent to my mind.

I want to meet someone.

Though powerful and constant — it’s not a helpless feeling or a dissatisfied longing. It’s different than it was years ago. I don’t feel like something is missing or part of me is still void — I’m not lusting after every man I see or pulling strings and squinting my eyes to make it work with every dude who buys me dinner. I feel no rush and…

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Her pieces are always so beautiful 🙂

When I moved to New York, there was only so much I could fit in those suitcases. I packed the essentials — dresses with leggings for the end of spring, a nice coat and scarf, interview clothes and big boots, heels and flats. I took two towels and some discounted shampoo and conditioner, along with a few inspiring framed messages given to me over the years. I knew I didnt need much more than my Southern kindness, my six-internship rich resume and that brazen, unstoppable optimism and ambition that’s taken me far.

Once I settled into that first little apartment, where this little blog all got started, my mom started mailing me boxes — all filled with more clothes and bath and kitchen accessories, artwork and
knickknacks that I’ve held onto for years. She sent a box every two weeks and they always smelled like home when I pried them open (probably because she sweetly placed dryer sheets…

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Not everyone has the luxury of their exes going to Singapore and France for a year.

But I do.

It had been many months of silence between Mr. Possibility and I, when last Sunday I received an email at 9 a.m. I wasn’t yet awake when I read it for the first time, and it was only when I dreamt about Mr. P until noon, that I realized it was real, not something my hungover-self imagined.

The email was short and sweet, saying everything I’ve needed to hear since we broke up. It’s true that people can surprise you, and for the first time, maybe ever, Mr. P did just that. Before getting up to greet the day, I probably read those five paragraphs a dozen times — savoring the sincerity and feeling so happy that while it absolutley touched my heart…

… it didn’t break it. Instead of those old, familiar feelings of longing, I felt something else:

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NUMB

I sat there as my tears drowned my pillow, every emotion was so painful even the ones that once made me smile all of them just became one painful,dreadful pool of tears and nothing could work out to bring that adorable , sweet smile back on my face. He laid on the bed, anger raging in his veins, no soothing hands or words of comfort. Distance between us, just hurt worse than the burning tears upon my face..This wasn’t the first time it was happening and definitely not the last..Move forward or dwell on it..

As I cried myself dry, coming back to my senses, everything was clear..that the promises were nothing but empty words just to make the chase shorter..In my pursuit of happiness too blind to read the fine print…I fell hard without a thought in my mind..now so many running fast, no more clouded judgement.

There I was, wiping my tears and the epiphany (light bulb), forced that smile at the side of my mouth, woke up and finally the pain that numbed me just made me strong and I made up my mind that me, myself and I are the only ones who can make me, myself and I happy…and from that momment on I became numb to any emotion that I felt or was ever going to feel..It feels great!!!

 

Well smetimes I get tired of being patient..but thanks for this!! :))

At the number 1 stop I board and arrive at, there’s a man who plays the guitar. He’s a little thing — probably no taller than me — and he wears a hat, even in this terribly unbearable heat. But he isn’t homeless or at least, he doesn’t appear to be struggling. From the tone of his voice and the sincerity that it rings through the tunnel, you wouldn’t call him anything but happy. He’s been there in the mornings when I’m catching the train to work, and in the early hours of the weekends when I drag myself out of bed to log a few miles at the gym.

Now that he recognizes me, he always nods while granting me a glimpse at some of the whitest teeth I’ve ever seen, along with a smile to match it. I’ve given him a few dollars here and there, and I’m…

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This is probably the last time I’ll wake up with him, I thought watching the sunrise over the brick buildings on Amsterdam. It was a slow, gradual morning for the sun, just as it was for him. He didn’t move in the past two hours I was awake, other than to squeeze my hand and sigh silently into my neck, grazing his lips so slightly I could barely feel the tenderness on my skin.

I couldn’t sleep; my mind wasn’t interested in being anywhere but in this moment. I’m not sure what I was thinking when I responded to his text message after ignoring them all for over a week. Maybe it was because it was March and still a little cold outside. Or maybe I felt the sting of being lonely a little too deeply, and the thought of a warm body – especially one I knew…

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This just made a difference..:)

Why do you write? She asked me – her eyes wide and youthful, full of that uncertain certainty only possible fresh out of college. It’s the time before you’ve had to handle the worst kind of rejection and just before you dip your thoughts into the world of paying bills and deciding on your 401K. I may be just a handful of years older than being legal to order the sangria I was sipping, but those years have a way of putting adulthood into perspective.

I smiled and wrinkled my nose, as I always have when I’m trying to think of something thoughtful and profound, something that’ll inspire and provoke. I spat out the things I could think of: because I’m passionate about it, because it relaxes me, because it’s how I express myself, because I’ve just always known that’s what I wanted to do. Because…

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Just a beautiful piece

It was March 16 — and I was having one of those terrible, horrible, very bad, no good days.

It started with a lack of hot water in my apartment for like the 100th time  (sadly, only a slight exaggeration), which resulted in playing chicken with the shower head until I was at least somewhat clean. From there, it only went downhill: the train was late, the weather was depressing, the line at Starbucks was way too long for me to make it to work on time, and as it always does, the course of negative events left me feeling less than 100 percent. Midway through the day while eating the snack-size Lean Cuisine that I somehow manage to consider lunch, something else popped up to make what was a crappy day, completely shot to hell.

He emailed me.

And for whatever reason, even in my near-crazy state, I decided the logical…

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Found

My inspiration today comes from Adele especially and Gotye..both who have become successful from making music inspired by past “shitty relationships”- as Adele said as she received her grammy. Well i have decided to talk about my pain and grief so that it doesn’t kill me..but to make me stronger and remember that there are brighter days to come 🙂

My favorite of her songs is ‘Turning Tables’– reason being she finally gets the strength to say goodbye to her misery, distancing herself form the pain and hurt that he caused her, she promises herself to be braver and her own saviour!!

If we all look back we have some what been in a crappy relatonship, a part of our past that we try to forget but not so strong enough to take that step forward and never look back. The wicked people who walk into our pure souls and tarnish us with abuse, hatred, revenge and when they walk out we are dark and the pureness is no longer what glows..

Now Gotye on the other hand, sings from a man’s point of view, which is just amazing to know that men also do break..and tells the world that women aren’t the only ones who go through shitty relationships. His song ‘Somebody I used to know’ is just great!! how he feels that it wasn’t right for her to cut him off like they were just passing clouds and its such a soulful and heartfelt song. I love it!!

It’s time to look forward and leave that crap behind, pack our bags, find ourself, give ourself time, explore the world and finally that special person-the wind beneath your wings- will find us!!!

Last Peace

I keep trying to forget, trying not to cry, trying to pull myself together, but that night is still so fresh in my mind. For a minute I thought I had found the love of my life. He stared into my eyes and promised me nothing but joy and happiness. Waking up everyday wishing it was a dream, what he did to me was a crime and he should be found guilty for breaking my heart, lowering my self esteem and for caging me in my fears and jailed for life by my hatred.

As I sat there gathered all the pills I could, drowned them into my mouth, not having any regret of what I was about to do. Taking one’s life is the most courageous thing that someone can do..but also known as the cancer of the mind. Maybe it had infected my choices of what is right or wrong, but would those choices be better when I make the right one and wake up everyday shameful, masked with a smile, stolen from a life, a life I had thought until now was the best thing that I ever had??

Falling slowly into a deep sleep, feeling the pills take a toll on my body, tears of content warm my face  and the thought of not waking up gives me peace and a fading smile welcomes me to the darkness. At last Peace.